Here it is April first today – time for another story. This story is a bit tragic as it turns out I think I am in need of a psychotherapist. (Item to Note – it is not for me as I am too far gone for that). It is for “Grandma.” Having just celebrated my 91st birthday, you may think I do need a shrink as my grandma would have to be at least 150 years old, so that is not believable, and I am hallucinating. “Grandma,” in this instance, is the 1954 Chrysler Windsor that is in the midst of transplant surgery. This car came to me as a female with a gentle, reliable, six cylinder engine; she has now had a very masculine 300hp hemi engine transplant, which, in the parlance of modern woke terminology, makes her a “Tranny.”
I fear this has upset her terribly, and she is acting out much to my detriment, along with the detriment of the other cars in the garage. Let me share some background as well as the evidence. It is really quite shocking.
Whassup?
Consider the “Bluebird,” my 1962 Pontiac Catalina, which has a transplant LS3 engine in it. This presents no sexual identity problems as it takes the initial masculine identity and upgrades it. It is best described as a “fountain of youth” transformation. At the time of initial testing, there was little doubt the Bluebird was ecstatic with its transformation from a nice coupe to a powerful hotrod. It would run with the best and fastest hotrods on the road, at times showing its sassy rear end to some of them. Then the first incident happened. It would flash a code saying it had an idle problem. Professional examination determined that there was no problem, and the light was extinguished by eliminating the instruction that caused the code to falsely report a problem. Think of this action as an adolescent problem like teenage acne.
The next problem was much more serious. It was parked with other high caliber hotrods at the “11 O’clock Club” warehouse meeting one Friday around high Noon. When it was time to go to lunch, it started right up but failed to shift into gear to be able to drive away. In fact it had to be pushed out of the way of the other cars that it was blocking from leaving. I found this to be humiliating behavior! When all the other cars had left, it suddenly shifted into gear, and I drove away. It behaved normally for me after that incident. Just an adolescent seeking attention you say? Hmm…keep reading…
The next incident happened with the “11 0’clock Club” hotrods assembled for a fun drive to Rosie’s Diner in Monument, CO. All the cars were gathered at the designated parking lot when I pulled in with the Bluebird full of gas and raring to go. It drove just fine going from my house to the parking lot. The time came to leave the lot, and the cars pulled out in order. I was next to last in line. The engine started normally, but when I put the Bluebird in gear, it failed to respond. The engine would not accelerate past idle RPM when I pushed the gas pedal. I had to sit there and watch the other cars leave and wonder in total disgust what I was going to do. It seemed like a roll back call was inevitable. After all the cars had left and were out of sight, I started the engine one more time, pressed the gas pedal, and the engine behaved normally. What could I do but drive home with my proverbial tailpipe between my legs!
What in the hell is going on? Is this passive aggressiveness a case of sibling rivalry and a desire for attention? Why is the otherwise very attractive Bluebird behaving this way? It is high time for an investigation. I began to wonder if something non-mechanical was going on. In the garage, the Bluebird is parked nose-to-nose with Grandma, who is hovering over the garage pit waiting for completion of her transformation. Could there possibly be communication between them? (Oh, come on now, silly boy!)
Just the Facts Ma’am
Time to check into Grandma’s past. She came to me from California with some amazing documentation. An owner had kept some immaculate records of her travels. In a notebook, there were details of where she went, including the mileage and the gas consumption. She had been well-cared for by her owner with records showing that she was originally from Colorado when purchased as a used car. I have brought her back home. If you read my April blog, you know about my discovery that she may have been the experimental test car for the 1955 Chrysler C300. If that is the case, then she would have been not only in contact with other experimental Chrysler cars, but also with cars from a different product line. What was going on back then?
Here is what I think happened. I had a suspicion that Grandma might somehow be related to Christine, the famous evil car in the movie by the same name. I asked Mark Kudlow, who wrote my movie script “Full Throttle,” to check with his sources and try to obtain the name plate data for Christine. He was able to contact the original producer who, by luck, had that data in an old contract file. I checked that serial number against the name plate on Grandma.
Oh my GOD! They have identical serial numbers – just different make and model designation. My “Grandma” is Christine’s mother!
There is now no doubt in my mind that Grandma is expressing her sexual outrage by seducing Bluebird to act in evil ways. What to do!?!
My first order of business is now to park Bluebird as far away from Grandma as possible. Next, I need to think about a rehab program for Grandma. She has been abused, has reason to be upset, and is trying to take revenge. I could just scrap her to totally solve the problem, but then I would lose my investment. Instead, I think I will try and contact an exorcist or other practitioner of the art of removing evil spirits from inanimate objects. If you have any helpful ideas, please send them my way. I have done a lot of restoration work with old cars, but this situation is really by far the weirdest I have encountered.
I trust that your April 1st is more normal than mine.